Spring

My dearest David,

I love you with all my heart. You are a wonderful little boy. Don't you ever let anyone tell you any different. You can change the world!

Mommy

Dreams We Have for our Children

Hello my Son,

As your Mommy, I have certain dreams for you. Some are "high and mighty" and others are just "cute," but the biggest dream that I have is that I want you to be happy. I want you to choose a career that you truly love, to have friends that you can rely on, and always have a loving family around you. I want you to be content with who you are and not spend your life worried about what other people think of you.

This week we came to spend some time with "Aunt" Alexis, Emily, Chris and Sam. I see you playing and fighting with Sam and Chris like they are your own sister and brother, but they aren't. I want you to remember these days though, and always stay close to them. I hope that one day, when you find the person that you want to spend eternity with, they come with a family as great as this. I don't know if you will ever have a "real" brother or sister, but if you don't, maybe, just maybe, Emily, Chris and Sam can be your adopted siblings. Don't ever forget about them. Their parents have taught them well so I know that if you ever needed someone, they would be there for you. I hope they will always be a part of your life.

You are only three now, so it is still too soon to teach you some of the things that I want to teach you, but if you are reading this now, you are no longer three, so maybe it isn't too soon. I don't know what the future holds so I don't know what will shape your view of what a family is, but if you ever wonder or need a second look, find Aunt Alexis. Not only can she tell you more about me than anyone in the world, she also knows alot about what it is to be a family. I hope that I can teach you how to be a good friend, a great husband, and a great father one day.

Make sure you ask yourself, before committing to any relationship, what will be there after the chocolate coating is gone? Will plain vanilla be enough or will there be another surprise waiting for you in the center? And remember, sometimes boring is good.

Oh Precious Child of mine, what a sentimental sap you must think I am. I can just see the grown up you rolling your eyes at me and saying, "Ah Mom." This actually makes me smile. I hope that I live long enough to annoy your children.

Remember, my dreams are not yours, but you should never, ever give up dreaming.

I love you bery bery much my sweet Goober Boy!

Mommy

I want you to remember the place you were born.

My Dearest David,

It has been months since I have actually sat down and written you a letter. Much has happened since my last note to you. The biggest in general is our move to Greenville, South Carolina. It has been a good move for us and I am so amazed at how well you have adjusted to our "new" home, but I guess for you, home is any place Mommy is. I often wonder if you will remember any of Ohio. I doubt you will, so I thought I would sit down and tell you a little about what I will always call home and your few years there.

First and foremost there is Momo and Papa and Mimi and Papa John. Grandparents are so very important to a grandchild (and mommy!) and I hope that you will always have a special relationship with them. I hope that moving so far away doesn't change that at all. I see you sitting on Momo's lap, playing with her thumb.

If ever there were a replacement for Mommy, it is Momo! When you were sick with a horrible stomach bug, Momo held you and let you puke all over her. Now THAT my dear son, is LOVE! Also, no one can read to you like she has. She has a very special place in her hear for books and without here, your library would be much smaller, although I am a sucker for a good children's book as well.

Then there's Papa. When Mommy just wasn't able to carry you, Papa could! And no one has trains NEARLY as great as Papa's trains. I have looked far and wide to find a model "trailer" for you so you could have one just like Papa! But nothing sticks in my head more right now than seeing you curled up beside Papa on the couch watching The Incredibles. That was your favorite movie for quite a time.

I also love seen you "work" with you Papa John. He is a very handy guy and so very patient with you. You would get your tools out and work right beside him. And when he had to take a trip to Lowes, you would always want to go with him. It really warms my heart and makes me smile when I see the two of you working side-by-side.

When I think of you and Mimi the picture pops into my head of you at about 6 months sound asleep on her lap....and she equally as unconscious! Will you remember that Mimi would bake cookies with you and let you decorate them by yourself? That she would take you to the grocery store to "help" her shop? I hope so. I hope that you have nothing but wonderful memories of all your grandparents.

There is so much more for me to tell you, but alas, you are calling my name asking for some Ice Cream. Your Dad is gone tonight so I think I will indulge.

As always, I love you very very very much as you said to me today. I hope that you keep your sensitive side and are never afraid to show your feelings and continue to tell those you care about of your love for them.

Good Night Sweet Child,

Mommy

Taken Away

This afternoon I watched you climb into the backseat of Momo's van and then I watched you ride away. I know that you will only be gone for a week, but I will admit that I had tears in my eyes. I already miss you dearly and it has only been a couple of hours. Oh my how my life has changed because of you!

Tomorrow I go in for another surgery. I know that I have spent alot of time in the hospital and away from you in the past two years, but we are praying that this will be the last! It will be few months before we will know for sure, but we are confident that things will go very well.

Despite all of that, I feel the need to write you this letter. God Forbid that something were to happen to me during the operation or in Days after, I wanted to have a letter that told you what you mean in my life. If anything were to happen to me I want you to know for sure that I love you very much.

I dreamed of you before I even knew I was pregnant, before you were even a real thought in my head. The moment I found out that I was going to have a baby I cried and thanked God for my miracle. You are a miracle! I remember the day that we found out you were a boy. Daddy was so sure that you were, but not me, I didn't have a feeling either way, but when the Ultra sound tech pointed out the "parts" I immediatly started crying. Deep down I wanted a little guy, someone to be his Momma's Boy! I was never happier!

Then the day you were born. I have told you all about this, but I want you to know that I have never ever regretted the changes we made in our lives for you. I just cannot imagine my life any other way.

Now that you are talking and are understanding your feelings, you tell me that you love me all of the time. Not inresponse to anything that I say, but just out of the blue you will come up to me and say, "Mommy, I lub you!" Each and everytime you say that my heart melts even more. I don't think that anyone loves you as I do. You have lots of people that love you, but none like your Mommy!

So, child of mine, if God were to take me to live with him, you remember that you had a Mommy and that that Mommy loved you more than Life Itself! I know that I will be in heaven looking down on you and with you in every step of your life. It pains me to think that I could ever miss all of the milestones and memories that you have to come, but I will always be in your heart, always.

I have so many things that I want to teach you so I pray that I live a long long time. Really, I have a list of important things. Things that you can't learn in school and that I don't want you to learn from anyone but me. But, if I cannot teach you, I will make sure that your Daddy, Momo, Papa, MiMi, Papa John or Aunt Alexis do!

But most of all, you need to know that You are a Very special guy and you can do anything that you set your mind too. No task is beyond your reach. Never let yourself get down and think that you can't accomplish a goal or that there is anything wrong with you because there is nothing holding you back. I believe in you and know that you will serve this world well. Don't you ever let anyone tell you any different, and if they do, Don't you believe it!

Also know that Both God and Mommy are with you always. Just close your eyes and listen closely and you will hear us speak. We Love you David!

Always yours, Mommy

Another Boo Boo!

The last few weeks have been rough in the mothering department. Besides the incident with the potato and knife, we added on the broken bones! We were shopping at the mall when you tripped and fell. I was across the room and you were with Daddy. I heard a scream and instantly knew it was yours. I can tell you that my heart rate was so fast that I swear it was going to beat right out of my chest. I knew that you were in such pain and there was nothing I could do about it.

Before I had always been able to sing you a sing, kiss it, or love it away, but not these boo boos. I would have done anything to take your pain myself, but I knew that I couldn't. We got you to the Guest Services station and they called security. Security got there with the first aid equipment, but it was soon that we realized that you would need x-rays so they called a squad. Earlier that day you said you wanted to ride in an ambulence, but I know that that was not what you had in mind.

I got to ride with you to the hospital with Daddy following close behind. I tried hard to keep you busy and your mind off of the pain by pointing out all of the doors, lights, and equipment in the ambulence. While it helped some, you were also very scared. I wish that I could have found away to take that feeling away. You were a trooper though! I was so proud of you.

You were still scared and hurting when we pulled into the hospital, but luckily they gave you some motrin right away and that helped alot. You even fell asleep and slept through your x-rays!

Well, sure enough, you had broken both of the bones in your right wrist. I truly didn't think it was that bad, and man did I feel guilty for thinking that! It isn't fun being in a cast, but the best thing was that you got to pick the color. It was really neat to see you look at the color swatches and almost immediately yelling out GREEN! You wouldn't even look at the others, you wanted GREEN, so you got green.

When we got home Mommy and Daddy wanted to sign your cast but you would have nothing to do with it! It was quite funny, especially when your Daddy was finally able to write on it. You wanted it OFF, and to tell the truth, Mommy did too. Your silly Daddy wrote, "Broken Arm Sexy" across it. I was so embarrassed, but that is your Daddy!

Today I was finally able to write on it, and of course you wanted that off as well. I was bound and determined to Write that I loved you on the cast! I know, Mommies are bad sometimes aren't they?

Well, it looks like you will only need a few more weeks in the cast. I sure hope we are able to get it off! Every night when I put your Jammies on you tell me "Don't take it off Mommy!" What a silly little man you are, but you are MY silly little man and I love you VERY much!

Dear David, Remember Your Daddy,

Hello sweet baby of mine. Today you spent the entire day with your Daddy. I couldn't pull you away from him and he was so excited to share this day with you. It is something he talked about before you were even born. Yes, I called you both geeks, but you are my geeks.

I write you this letter today because I want you to remember this day. I have this feeling that you and your Daddy won't always be like "Peas and Carrots." You need to know that your father loves you very much and he loves spending time with you. I hope and pray that your memories of him are not all of disciplining you. That isn't what your Daddy is all about.

I see the two of you together and there are times that I am Jealous. There is some bond between a Father and his young son that is almost magical. You look at him sometimes likee he can perform miracles, and in your eyes, he can.

You were so funny today. All of the other people called your Daddy, "John" and so you decided to call him that too. You would Yell out, "John, John, JOHN, DA-AD, I'm talking to you!" I'm sorry, but I can't help but laugh. There are times when you are so adorable.

I didn't see it, but your Daddy told me all about how you sat on his lap and helped him make his contacts. How you walked around and played with the dog and the other kids, and most of all, how good you were. He wanted to spend this day with you so much, and you wanted the special time with your Daddy too.

This day wasn't really anything for the record books, a Momentous occassion, or even a holiday. This was just a special between you and your Daddy. I pray that there will be many many many more of these days.

You see, your Daddy and his Daddy, well, they don't have a very close relationship. I don't know if they ever did, but I want you to always be close with your Daddy. There will come a day when you are very angry with him. Don't let night fall on that anger. We all need family, and a son will always need his Daddy, even if he is 40.

I will try hard to make sure that you two always have your special times together, but one day you are going to have make the choice to sacrifice something you want to do so that you can spend time with your Daddy. I hope that you choose your Daddy.

I know you are still young, but I hope that you are like your Daddy and have a wonderful memory. I hope that you remember that at least, one day when you were three, you had a very special day with your Daddy.

Love,

Mommy

Dear David, On your Third Birthday,

Dear David,

I have been saying since the day I found out that you were in my tummy that I was going to write you letters to tell you all of the things that I want you to know but am so sure I will forget to tell you. I have been saying it and yet I haven't done it. It is now your third birthday and I am just beginning. This is my best gift to you. One that I hope you will treasure even after I am gone.

I put you to bed tonight in your own room with you yelling down to me that you wanted to sleep in my bed. I wanted to march right up those stairs and get you and bring you down to my bed. But I didn't. I didn't because I know that you sleep much better in your own bed. I didn't because I know that it really wouldn't have been for you but for me that I did it. I am having a hard time letting you grow up. I want so bad to still have you as a little baby in my arms, yet as you remind me every day, "You are a Big Boy Now."

I worry all of the time that I am not doing for you all of the things that a mother should. I should be taking you to the library, COSI, the Zoo, swimming, to play groups, the park....I should take you somewhere that you can play and learn every day, but I can't and it just kills me. Mommy is sick and I have been since I am sure you can remember. It was just before Christmas on what was going to be your second Christmas that I got sick. I didn't know then, but our lives were never going to be the same.

The only good part about me being sick is that I am now home with you every day instead of working. I wanted to be home with you from the day you were born, but it never worked out....until I got sick. And now that I am, I can't do with you all of the things that I want and should. I hope and pray that me being sick doesn't hurt you in a way that you will remember.

Let me tell you something about when you were born. I remember the second that I knew you were going to come into the world on that day. I thought for sure that I would be a basket case, but I can never remember being so calm in my entire life. Your birth was rather A-typical in that your drs decided not to join us. I remember the contractions hurtings, but there was no pain when you were actually being born. It was a relief. A relief from the contractions and a relief from the, and I am sorry to say this, a relief from the pregnancy. While I did not enjoy being pregnant with you, I distinctly remember, and this sounds odd too, enjoying your birth. From the second I saw you (and you will soon hate hearing this) I thought, Oh My God, I gave birth to a clone! And then I pulled you into my arms and a love that I never imagined feeling swam over me and has only gotten stronger.

I worried that I would suffer from Post Partum Depression, but I did not. The first nine weeks of your life I was happy that I have ever been. What changed after that is that I had to return to work and leave you for big chunks of the day and I did not want to. I cried the entire way to work on that first day. I cried through each pumping (I was pumping so you could have breast milk and not formula) and I BAWLED when I talked to Daddy on the phone. For the next few weeks, and even after that I was known to shed a tear when away from you at odd times.

There were times when I was driving to work that I would look in my rear view mirror and see your carseat empty or missing and my heart would lurch, like I had left you somewhere and I had to stop immediately and get you. There were times when I just could not keep my mind on my work and I would call and bug Daddy to death about you. There were times when I called in sick just because I couldn't leave you that day.

I think of those days that I couldn't leave you now and I laugh because now there are days when I would pay to have a free day. Yes, my son, I love you dearly, but there are times now that I think we both need a break from one another. Luckily, days like today, your Daddy noticed that and he took you for a special day. When you got home though, I wanted nothing more than to have you hug me hard and long!

Today you heard the word "hate" somewhere and said that you hated something. I know that you do not know what that word means, but even though you are only three, I talked to you about how it is not right to hate ANYONE, EVER. We may not like everyone and there may be days that you really dislike someone, even me, but you should never, ever HATE anyone. I know that I will tell you this again and I hope and pray that I can help you learn this lesson early.

Speaking of lessons, we are working on potty training. You will hate me talking about this, but it is not something you are taking to easily. You actually went into the bathroom and stood infont of the potty, fully clothed, and pooped your pants today. Yes, this was new. I can't imagine why you don't want to sit on the toilet, but you don't. You even change your own wet diapers....all by yourself, but still no sitting on the potty.

Speaking of all by yourself, you are becoming quite the independant little man. Putting on shoes, getting dressed, getting your own drinks...all of these things you are demanding that you do "all by yourself." Sometimes this is hard for Mommy for many reasons. 1. It is always easier to do it myself and 2. I am not ready for you to be so grown up.

This is the first letter I have actually written down to you, but I have so many thoughts from the past three years that I want to share with you. Over the next few days I am going to try to catch up on the things that I missed and then I will try only to write you when there is something really important I must tell you.

I hope that one day you will read these and they will be very special to you. I know they will always be special to me, just as you are. I love you more than I can even imagine loving. I hope that one day you truly understand this love. It is love that only a parent can have for their child....and I think that Mothers have an extra special love that not even Daddys have. This I am not sure of because I don't know what it is to be a Daddy. I am quite sure of my love for you.

You are my little guy, my buddy, my forever baby boy! And as you grow closer and closer to know longer needing or wanting my "hinger" as your comfort, I worry about you more and more. I feel like if I can be there with you, I can prevent any pain, or hurts, or saddness. I know this is not true, but I like to think that a Mother has this super power.

So, sleep child of mine, only dreaming of possibilities and never of fears. You are my angel, truly sent down to me from Heaven Above! I love you little guy!

Love Always and Forever,

Mommy