Dear David, Remember Your Daddy,

Hello sweet baby of mine. Today you spent the entire day with your Daddy. I couldn't pull you away from him and he was so excited to share this day with you. It is something he talked about before you were even born. Yes, I called you both geeks, but you are my geeks.

I write you this letter today because I want you to remember this day. I have this feeling that you and your Daddy won't always be like "Peas and Carrots." You need to know that your father loves you very much and he loves spending time with you. I hope and pray that your memories of him are not all of disciplining you. That isn't what your Daddy is all about.

I see the two of you together and there are times that I am Jealous. There is some bond between a Father and his young son that is almost magical. You look at him sometimes likee he can perform miracles, and in your eyes, he can.

You were so funny today. All of the other people called your Daddy, "John" and so you decided to call him that too. You would Yell out, "John, John, JOHN, DA-AD, I'm talking to you!" I'm sorry, but I can't help but laugh. There are times when you are so adorable.

I didn't see it, but your Daddy told me all about how you sat on his lap and helped him make his contacts. How you walked around and played with the dog and the other kids, and most of all, how good you were. He wanted to spend this day with you so much, and you wanted the special time with your Daddy too.

This day wasn't really anything for the record books, a Momentous occassion, or even a holiday. This was just a special between you and your Daddy. I pray that there will be many many many more of these days.

You see, your Daddy and his Daddy, well, they don't have a very close relationship. I don't know if they ever did, but I want you to always be close with your Daddy. There will come a day when you are very angry with him. Don't let night fall on that anger. We all need family, and a son will always need his Daddy, even if he is 40.

I will try hard to make sure that you two always have your special times together, but one day you are going to have make the choice to sacrifice something you want to do so that you can spend time with your Daddy. I hope that you choose your Daddy.

I know you are still young, but I hope that you are like your Daddy and have a wonderful memory. I hope that you remember that at least, one day when you were three, you had a very special day with your Daddy.

Love,

Mommy

Dear David, On your Third Birthday,

Dear David,

I have been saying since the day I found out that you were in my tummy that I was going to write you letters to tell you all of the things that I want you to know but am so sure I will forget to tell you. I have been saying it and yet I haven't done it. It is now your third birthday and I am just beginning. This is my best gift to you. One that I hope you will treasure even after I am gone.

I put you to bed tonight in your own room with you yelling down to me that you wanted to sleep in my bed. I wanted to march right up those stairs and get you and bring you down to my bed. But I didn't. I didn't because I know that you sleep much better in your own bed. I didn't because I know that it really wouldn't have been for you but for me that I did it. I am having a hard time letting you grow up. I want so bad to still have you as a little baby in my arms, yet as you remind me every day, "You are a Big Boy Now."

I worry all of the time that I am not doing for you all of the things that a mother should. I should be taking you to the library, COSI, the Zoo, swimming, to play groups, the park....I should take you somewhere that you can play and learn every day, but I can't and it just kills me. Mommy is sick and I have been since I am sure you can remember. It was just before Christmas on what was going to be your second Christmas that I got sick. I didn't know then, but our lives were never going to be the same.

The only good part about me being sick is that I am now home with you every day instead of working. I wanted to be home with you from the day you were born, but it never worked out....until I got sick. And now that I am, I can't do with you all of the things that I want and should. I hope and pray that me being sick doesn't hurt you in a way that you will remember.

Let me tell you something about when you were born. I remember the second that I knew you were going to come into the world on that day. I thought for sure that I would be a basket case, but I can never remember being so calm in my entire life. Your birth was rather A-typical in that your drs decided not to join us. I remember the contractions hurtings, but there was no pain when you were actually being born. It was a relief. A relief from the contractions and a relief from the, and I am sorry to say this, a relief from the pregnancy. While I did not enjoy being pregnant with you, I distinctly remember, and this sounds odd too, enjoying your birth. From the second I saw you (and you will soon hate hearing this) I thought, Oh My God, I gave birth to a clone! And then I pulled you into my arms and a love that I never imagined feeling swam over me and has only gotten stronger.

I worried that I would suffer from Post Partum Depression, but I did not. The first nine weeks of your life I was happy that I have ever been. What changed after that is that I had to return to work and leave you for big chunks of the day and I did not want to. I cried the entire way to work on that first day. I cried through each pumping (I was pumping so you could have breast milk and not formula) and I BAWLED when I talked to Daddy on the phone. For the next few weeks, and even after that I was known to shed a tear when away from you at odd times.

There were times when I was driving to work that I would look in my rear view mirror and see your carseat empty or missing and my heart would lurch, like I had left you somewhere and I had to stop immediately and get you. There were times when I just could not keep my mind on my work and I would call and bug Daddy to death about you. There were times when I called in sick just because I couldn't leave you that day.

I think of those days that I couldn't leave you now and I laugh because now there are days when I would pay to have a free day. Yes, my son, I love you dearly, but there are times now that I think we both need a break from one another. Luckily, days like today, your Daddy noticed that and he took you for a special day. When you got home though, I wanted nothing more than to have you hug me hard and long!

Today you heard the word "hate" somewhere and said that you hated something. I know that you do not know what that word means, but even though you are only three, I talked to you about how it is not right to hate ANYONE, EVER. We may not like everyone and there may be days that you really dislike someone, even me, but you should never, ever HATE anyone. I know that I will tell you this again and I hope and pray that I can help you learn this lesson early.

Speaking of lessons, we are working on potty training. You will hate me talking about this, but it is not something you are taking to easily. You actually went into the bathroom and stood infont of the potty, fully clothed, and pooped your pants today. Yes, this was new. I can't imagine why you don't want to sit on the toilet, but you don't. You even change your own wet diapers....all by yourself, but still no sitting on the potty.

Speaking of all by yourself, you are becoming quite the independant little man. Putting on shoes, getting dressed, getting your own drinks...all of these things you are demanding that you do "all by yourself." Sometimes this is hard for Mommy for many reasons. 1. It is always easier to do it myself and 2. I am not ready for you to be so grown up.

This is the first letter I have actually written down to you, but I have so many thoughts from the past three years that I want to share with you. Over the next few days I am going to try to catch up on the things that I missed and then I will try only to write you when there is something really important I must tell you.

I hope that one day you will read these and they will be very special to you. I know they will always be special to me, just as you are. I love you more than I can even imagine loving. I hope that one day you truly understand this love. It is love that only a parent can have for their child....and I think that Mothers have an extra special love that not even Daddys have. This I am not sure of because I don't know what it is to be a Daddy. I am quite sure of my love for you.

You are my little guy, my buddy, my forever baby boy! And as you grow closer and closer to know longer needing or wanting my "hinger" as your comfort, I worry about you more and more. I feel like if I can be there with you, I can prevent any pain, or hurts, or saddness. I know this is not true, but I like to think that a Mother has this super power.

So, sleep child of mine, only dreaming of possibilities and never of fears. You are my angel, truly sent down to me from Heaven Above! I love you little guy!

Love Always and Forever,

Mommy